What's Really Going on Inside My Head

Picture this. It's 4:43 in the afternoon. I'm supposed to be in class right now. I didn't make it. I'm in bed, hair up, pajamas on, shades closed, dark room, typing this to you right now. The purple circles around my eyes are noticeable even in this room. My eyes feel puffy and heavy, like they could close at any time.

"Anxiety" by Julia Michaels and Selena Gomez is playing in the background. How appropriate right now. I've texted my best friend about something, but yet again the conversation ends with "I don't want to talk about this anymore." She respects my decision and replies, "Okay." I'm not even compelled to reply. She deserves a reply. I can't do it. I can't bring myself to get out of bed today. I had a fight with my mom today. It's not resolved. And she won't reply to me. All I can think is, "She hates me." I've thought that many times. I look up at the window. Between the shades, I can see sunlight peeking through. It's almost sunset. Today, I've felt mentally exhausted. I was supposed to feel better with sleep last night. This week, I've felt numb. This entire month, I've felt like I'm just going through the motions.

I put on a smiling face for my professors and my classmates and I go about my day. My boss asks me if I'm okay. I just say, "I'm tired." That's my excuse for a lot. I'm not physically tired so much. Mentally, I am. So I guess that counts... right?

I want to give up. I hate myself for saying that. I feel so pathetic. I push my friends away. I don't really see the point of trying to tell them how I feel. i trust them. I want to tell them, but I don't know how. I guess this is my how. People say I have a way with words but I don't know what they mean. Writing is just more natural for me. I can think about it all before anyone ever gets to see it. And if I change my mind, I can erase it or rip it up or click backspace.

4:58 PM. I laid down. I closed my eyes and didn't feel at peace. I felt sad. I'm back writing now.

All I'm saying is, I want to pack all my stuff, move away to a brand new place with brand new people that nobody knows of. I want to be someone else. When new people ask, I can show them only the good things. Never the terrible things. I want to completely start over.

I trust very few with my inner thoughts so sharing this is really hard for me. I feel like I'm not a part of anything. I try my hardest to find my passions. I don't see an importance anymore. I used to have many goals. I bullshit it now. It's not real. Everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do after I graduate college. I don't want to do anything. I want to lay in bed forever. How do I explain it?

Because sometimes all you want, is to give up.

What is really going on in my mind? I don't know. I feel numb to the world. I've laid in bed all day. I've seen other people be happy without me. I've seen the world move on without me. Expected. God, I sound so stupid. I sound like all I want is attention. I swear I do not. I'm sorry for that. I just don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I'm drowning and flailing and screaming for someone to save me and they don't see me or they look the other way. They don't understand why I feel this way and they tell me to just swim.

I wish I could explain it.

This is me trying.

I feel like I can't breathe even when I'm not in water.

When is enough, enough?

Feeling like you don't belong anywhere with anyone. It mentally tears you apart. I feel like life is going so fast, taking every single person I know with it, while I'm in slow motion...

And now I'm held back by my own mind.

I wanna get out of here...