What the Loss of Many Does to Your Soul

Let's take this story back to six years ago, when the first loss I experienced was something I did not understand. A cousin was sick and suffering from cancer. She was only in her late twenties and it brought our family together. I admired the closeness of family I had missed over the years. It brought us together to be there for one another during such a tough time. We stuck it out and began the journey of cancer and the effects it takes on a soul, mentally and physically. The entire family watched as a beautiful soul was taken out of her body. She was no longer herself, but the cancer that controlled her. We watched and tried all our very best to help. But cancer does not care. She was sent home to die peacefully next to the ones she loves.

The first death, you are upset. You cry behind closed doors because you feel as if you shouldn't be crying in front of others. What if my family thinks I look dumb for being so emotional about a person I was not close with until she had gotten sick? You hide your emotions because you are ashamed of them. Then you join in the grief because you realized you are allowed to feel this way.

This death. The one that was not her fault. She did not deserve this. She was a good, loving person. But why? I began to feel an overwhelming amount of sensitivity.

The second death. Her dear brother. Only in his early twenties, he was found dead due to drugs. How can this be only seven months after? Our family could not fathom the events that were taking place. Of course I felt ashamed to have so much emotion for a cousin that was not a part of my life until a few months earlier. I was there for my family but honestly was cold. I did not understand or grasp what was happening. How could he chose to do something so detrimental to himself without realizing the love he is leaving behind if it all goes south? Yes, I was sad but more importantly I was confused. It was my first experience with death due to drugs.

Now, six years later, I have lost five people due to drugs and alcohol, four of which were family. I am broken. I am lost. I am confused. Why does this happen?

More and more people in this country are dealing with addiction. This means more and more people are losing: Losing people. Losing things. Losing love. Losing.

I've seen it happen too many times before to too many people close to my heart. I became insensitive. I became mad. A year later, I learned a man that was not only my cousin but also my neighbor and more like a brother had been abusing heroin. I first learned from his sister. Then I learned through his actions. I was so mad and insensitive that I began to find myself distancing myself from him. I regret this. Now that he is gone, I miss the time I spent with him. I missed the old him. He was in and out of this terrible county's mandatory rehabs. Rehabs that the poor and middle-class class can afford that do the bare minimum. He tried. He really tried. I began to come back into his life when he was home doing his best to make his life better. I became hopeful. I talked to him more. I was happy.

Then he died... He died from a terrible drug.

I thought to myself that he was so selfish leaving us all. He just wanted that drug and didn't care about his family anymore. Everything I thought was true was a lie. I was devastated and insensitive once again. Then I sat back and thought. This is not my cousin. This is not the person I know and love. This was a drug that continuously controlled the lives of the people I loved. Once you take that first hit, you will be suffering for the rest of your life to come. I found myself being more understanding, more at peace. Although all my loved ones are never coming back, I know they are always near to my heart and I will forever keep those memories alive and with me throughout my life.

From death, we become insensitive to other peoples' struggles that we find so minimal compared to the struggles that we once had. We become oversensitive to the struggles we can relate to in hopes to raise hope and promise. We live and we learn. We struggle and we grow.