When Depression Feels like Rage

Recently I have been dealing with a lot of changes in my life, something that can be difficult for most people, much less a person dealing with mental health issues. However, the emotions I felt during all of these changes were much different from anything I had experienced before. It sent me to the internet, searching for others who had gone through a similar experience. I wondered if something else was wrong with me, or if I had finally snapped. Why? Because I was angry.

It wasn’t the simple type of angry that could be brushed off. You know, like when you stub your toe or trip over your puppy. No, this anger was deeper, harder, causing my body to ache with a need to release it. Never in my life had I felt something so powerful and volatile inside of me. While I have never been the easiest going and nice person, I had never been the type to rage out against someone. However, these last few months had brought out the beast and I had no idea what to do to fix it.

My research all lead me to the same conclusion, my anger was caused by my depression. Many people look at depression as meaning one thing: You are sad. While that is one of the main emotions involved, it certainly isn’t the only one. Many people who suffer from depression find themselves going through a plethora of different emotions, most of which cause the sufferer to feel completely out of control. From personal experience, it is not something fun to go through.

When it came to the anger, I had to sit back and reflect on things, determine why I was angry to begin with. Obviously, something about the changes bothered me. When you are trying to deal with mental health issues, one thing they tell you is to have a routine. Staying on a schedule and knowing what to expect can decrease the likelihood of triggers which may cause a mood swing. Well, with all of the changes, my routine certainly had been disrupted. For weeks, things were very out of the normal. Some days, I had no idea what was going on for the day until it was in action.

Not only that, but new people had entered my life. Don’t get me wrong, making new friends and having new people in my life is a wonderful thing. However, the change can take some getting used to. Especially since I had grown jaded over the years. Not only was I faced with getting to know someone for the first time, my evil, depressed mind questioned everything going on. It is hard to build a relationship with someone when you question their every motive.

The anger got so bad I found myself lashing out at everyone around me. People who had known me for years saw me get violent, crying with rage, screaming, and generally hurting the people around me. It was an ugly sight, and when I sat back, I realized I did not like myself. I had hurt the people I loved, and with that came the wave of sadness depression is best known for. Days on end I cried over every little thing. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. All I wanted was to curl up and disappear.

I cut off my contact with people for a little over a week. During that time, I did the best I could to get back to my normal routine. My downtime was filled with contemplation of all the things I had done and what was really happening. It came to me that the only thing bad was my reaction to it all. There was nothing wrong with the changes going on in my life. If anything, they were making my life better. I just couldn’t see it through my own waves of anger and sadness.

Since then, I have talked to my friends and loved ones. Lucky for me, I am blessed with some amazing people in my life. We discussed what happened with me, and we are moving forward with the understanding that my depression has taken a turn for the worst. Knowledge can be the greatest tool, and knowing this, we can counter it. My husband often reminds me to think about happy thoughts whenever something sad wanders into my mind. Any time someone sees me sad or upset, they help me work through it. No, life with depression isn’t easy, but understanding what is happening can help make the hard times better.

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Note: I am a mostly unmedicated sufferer of depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, and insomnia. Instead of medication, my family and I have decided to use coping techniques, meditation, and other forms of self-help. This option isn’t for everyone but was the right choice for me. If you or someone you love suffers from a mental health issue, please seek help. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and getting help can make all the difference in your life.

If you like this article, please check out my other articles on mental health. Also feel free to send a gift if your heart leads you in that direction.

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