When the Mind Begins to Cave

When the Mind Begins to Cave

To Whomever This May Concern, or Rather, Reach First,

I am alive. Alive but not well. Stranded but still clinging to the idea that help will save me; thus, releasing me from this toxic hell hole I now know to be home. There have been virtually no signs of life on this mysterious island and I have merely nicked the surface that holds the secrets in place. This place is filled to the brim with signs of unreachable new life and species. However, all around me is silence. Silence so deep it becomes maddening, which only seems to speed up the arrival of my demise. Nights so cold you simultaneously feel relief and desperation with every breath you take. Days that are truthfully too complicated to even describe. You could say that I am going insane, but truth be told, I was never “normal.” And, since I am confessing, this is no island of reality. This is a nightmare of tangled thoughts and distorted dreams. Well, that’s what I tell myself anyway…It’s simply easier this way; to lull myself into a false sense of security. A “naked” reality as I deem it to be. Rather than lie to the world and pretend that all is grand.

It wasn’t always like this. I promise you that. Except, that I suppose I shouldn’t say things that I do not intend to keep. It’s just that I haven’t been myself lately. I once was this lively, vibrant person. But, over time I have lost is all. I am now on my own secluded island, not knowing what to do. Or, not daring to ask for help. Who would want to help me when I have failed to do so myself? The real reason that this happened though, is that I lost myself on my journey to finding myself. If that even makes sense?

Once, I was on top of the world. Invincible to anything that could knock me down. But, that ship has long since sailed. I am now so far under the water, I cannot see any sunlight. It does not even begin to penetrate the depths of where I am. Despite the heat, the sun rays ooze out at me. I am in the lowliest position on the face of whatever planet they call this place. I know what it is; this is my own hell.

My karma came back to me in such a tumultuous way that I was not prepared for the repercussions. How could I have been? I had thought that I alone could escape karma. (What I dim-witted soul I had been.) In truth, you cannot run from what is destined to occur. Especially, when you have lived as blindly as I once had. I was a foolish morsel, taking what wasn’t mine to have. And, laughing in the face of disparity. But now disparity owns my soul.

Every day I look for a way to get off this island. I have tired myself with the efforts of finding my way back to the mainland and getting back to myself. It has not happened so far. Maybe I am too far gone. Past the point of no return as is so famously quoted and sung in Phantom of the Opera. (Ironically, one of my personal favorites). You see, and that is when my dear “old friend” panic set in. Coming along and completely uprooting my life. There is only one way to describe this. Panic is a disease you see. A blood pulsating, mind-numbing disease. Where you feel like in one breath, you might die because of the fear creeping up into your throat. Closing off all pathways of fresh breath, while collectively squeezing your chest and heart. Tauntingly cackling at the feeling, it leaves behind. Consuming your soul; munching in on your happiest of thoughts. Distorted, loud and unnatural though it may be. Pinning them against each other to fully destroy the intact parts of your being. Until you are left with the shell-shocked remnant parts of what used to be your former self. You try to reason with your brain that you are being self-sabotaged into believing the worst, deep down, however, nothing will quench the thirsty darkness that is taking over. Poisoning every ounce of your soul. Panic. It takes over fast and leaves no prisoners behind. Perhaps this is what is deserved when you try to negate from karma. After all, you do reap what you sow.

You CAN escape it.