When the Spiral Comes

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder hasn't been easy. In reality, I should say that knowing I have BPD is a struggle. Some people have said to me before, "You're the same person you were before you found out. Nothing has changed." But if you're someone like me or live with another disorder, you know that that's simply not the case. It feels as though my entire world has changed into a strange new map in a video game. I liked the first map I was playing in. I knew what I did at that time and, though it was confusing and scary at times, I knew how to navigate. I knew the safe places to take cover from the enemy. This new map, this new chapter in my life, though the same, is a brand new world. It's full of stigma, people who don't understand, and even more questioning who I am as a person.

Today is one of those days where the map is not in my favor and I just feel like I'm in a constant spiral that's cascading down into the darkness. I had plans today to come to one of my favorite bookstores, hunker down, and carve out some blog posts and ideas. Clearly, my cloudy and rebel mind had other plans. It started with yesterday when everything a friend did and said sounded like an attack. It wasn't an attack and sometimes she's not the best with how she words things but man, it ground my gears to no end. The anger flared up and I found my fingers moving at quite a quick pace. (Let me explain. When I get angry, I fight the urge to throw and toss things. It's an anger that comes from the roots of my very being and engulfs my body to the core. For me, when I get this feeling, I move my fingers around. I pretend I'm reaching out to grab things to try and gain control of myself again. It's weird but it works for me.)

This morning, I just woke up and it felt like everything was useless. I couldn't think of anything good at that moment and it draped over every part of my plans. I took my dogs to daycare and was so distracted that I didn't feel comfortable making the trip into town. I went home, into my room, and cried. I curled up with my husband and cried. I cried for no reason and every reason at the same time. I took a moment to bring myself back down and then tried the day again.

Now, even though I still don't feel like I have full control of my emotions, I'm sitting in a wonderful bookstore/cafe, watching the rain fall outside. There's a certain quiet and relaxing atmosphere here that makes me feel like everything is okay. It makes me stop, take a deep breath, and come back to myself at a slow pace. I'm enjoying a vanilla Italian soda, doing what I love, writing about books and blogging; preparing to hopefully write my own book about BPD. The rain is hitting the bricks outside and a soft jazz music is surrounding me.

When you're in a spiral and feel yourself slipping, you need to do something to fight the demons. Here is what I do to banish the darkness back where it came from.

1. CRY. Don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't cry. If you need to sob and cry your hardest for hours, then do it. Let it all out. It does no good for you keeping it inside and buried. Emotions are a normal human function and it's safe to express them.
2. Take a deep breath. Try to bring your heart rate back down to a normal speed and calm yourself from all the crying.
3. Talk to someone—whether it be a loved one, best friend, or even calling your doctor or therapist. Talk about how you're feeling. More importantly, reach out if you feel you are in trouble or need help. It's okay to ask for help.
4. Make sure you stay hydrated and eat. I know it can feel like you're not hungry but make sure you don't completely stop. You need to keep yourself healthy and fuel your body after the draining feeling you most likely have.
5. Take a nap and relax. When I get anxious, have a panic attack, or flood with emotions, I always feel like someone had sucked my soul from me. It's completely draining. Keep yourself well-rested. Just make sure you're not using your bedroom or bed to escape.
6. Reevaluate your day and try again. Take a step forward and try to regain yourself and your moment. Keep yourself wanting to accomplish your plans. Do the things that make you happy and make you feel rewarded. You'll thank yourself in the end.

Everyone deals with this part of their mental health in different ways. This is how I TRY to deal with mine. Sometimes, this completely fails. Some bad days turn into a bad week or a few at a time. It's hard to pick yourself up when you fall. Take your time. Don't allow someone to push you if you're uncomfortable with it but do try.

It feels like we're imprisoned in this cell known as mental health. It feels like we're abused prisoners who have no chance at being happy. Happiness is out there. Sometimes, it takes a lot of hard work and patience.

You've got this.