When Your Birthday Isn't a Happy Day

Celebrating your birthday is usually supposed to be a happy and fun day. I've always wondered how people could so easily celebrate themselves and enjoy their birthdays, exclaiming, "It's my birthday month!" or "Celebrating my birthday all week!"

What?! A whole month or week for celebrating your birthday?

I've always envied people who were comfortable announcing their birthday to the world. Like, "Hey! It's my birthday, celebrate and love me!" There's something about my birthday that gives me anxiety and often makes me feel down. It took me years and years of uncomfortable birthdays to figure out why this was.

I remember being younger, I usually had school on my birthday, and I would never tell anyone it was my birthday. Often, teachers and close friends would know and remember to wish me a big "Happy Birthday!" I would go all day and feel bad that people had to wish me a happy birthday. I felt like they were obligated to say it, not because they cared about me or my birthday, but because that's what you're supposed to do on people's birthdays. Which there's nothing wrong with that, I do it a lot myself. We all have those Facebook friends that we only communicate with once a year to wish them a happy birthday on their wall. I've done it for years, we all have.

Birthdays! Come on! It's a day full of people sending love and well wishes and celebrating me! Why am I struggling to accept this? Why am I so weird? What is this anxiety and depression that surrounds me on the one day of the year that's just for me?

A year ago, I was admitted into a mental health hospital unit after attempting to take my own life. During the process of being admitted, I had been asked what felt like a million questions that I had no idea what to answer. I had just survived an intentional overdose, and I had no idea what emotion I was feeling, or why. I was being asked about all kinds of things. I still remember sitting in the office of the clinical psychologist the morning after I had arrived there, and out of all the questions he had asked me, one stuck out the most to me.

He asked, "Is your birthday usually a happy day for you?"

I was kind of thrown off by that question. I answered,

"Well... yeah..."

At that moment I was thinking, well yes, it's my birthday, duh, it's a happy day. Then I remembered the years and years of anxiety and sadness I felt on my birthday, and I quickly corrected my answer. "No, actually, now that I think about it. I don't always like my birthday." He nodded and wrote more notes down on my file.

This question made me remember my birthday from the year before. It was the saddest birthday I had ever had. I cried all day and I didn't know why I had felt that way. Everyone was wishing me happy birthday on my Facebook wall and sending texts or giving me calls. I had already been feeling kind of torn that morning. My uncle, his wife and one of our interns took me out to lunch. While at lunch, my mom called me to say happy birthday and asked what my plans were for the day. I said, "No, I don't really have any plans."

At the table my uncle overheard, so naturally, when I hung up he said, "We can do something tonight for your birthday, you don't have any plans?"

Ugh, my heart sank into my stomach.

"No, we don't have to do anything. It's not a big deal. I know everyone is busy."

It's not that I didn't want anyone to do anything for me on my birthday. But it was that familiar feeling, where I think in my head that everyone is obligated to care about me for my birthday. In my head at the time, I battled with the feelings of, "They didn't have anything planned for me in the first place, why are they thinking about it now. They don't care about me," versus, "Hey! That's so nice! I didn't have any plans and they want to do something nice for me tonight. They love me."

The rest of that night I had family and friends gather for my birthday. We had dinner and cake, and I got a few small gifts. I was still sad, and I was frustrated with myself for feeling that way.

For years I avoided these feelings by planning things for myself. I would be at work all day so I could say,

"Oh, I had to work, I couldn't do much for my birthday this year. You know how that goes!"

I would get the, "Oh that's too bad," and shoulder shrugging replies, like, "Yeah, that's adult life!"

Other years, I had planned trips to San Francisco alone. I would save up, take a few days off work and fly out! This avoided all the uncomfortable feelings, and I genuinely enjoyed my time in SF. No one needed to feel obligated to plan me anything, because I wasn't even there!

It's been over a year since my attempt, and I still think about the question the psychologist asked me.

Is my birthday a happy day? I've realized why my birthday has always been a hard day for me.

I don't feel like I've done anything worthwhile in my life. Each year comes up quicker than the last and each year I continue to feel like I haven't accomplished much or done anything great! These feelings weigh heavy on me and often alter how I understand or perceive how the people around me feel and care about me. I don't think highly of myself, why would anyone else? Living with depression often makes me view occasions like my birthday a hard day to be "happy."

Realizing all of these things about the way I think around the time of my birthday gives me more ideas, and more hope for the birthdays to come. I don't want to waste any more moments in my future years. I don't want to come upon another birthday and have doubts and regrets. My twenty seventh birthday is in four days. It may not be the happiest birthday. I might not be traveling or having a big celebration, but I'm here. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy for another year and I'm gonna take each year to come, one day at a time.

If you or someone you know are struggling with depression, anxiety or thoughts of suicide please seek help.

Call 1-800-273-8255. Available 24 hours a day. Go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Also, there is 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Or https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

Help is available. You are worthy of getting good help and the help that's right for you.

You are not alone.