Where You're Supposed to Be

Do you ever feel like you're missing something? Or you're supposed to be somewhere else in the world or in your life right now? That's how I'm currently feeling.

It's frustrating in a world that tells you that you can do anything, to still feel like you're never good enough. You are constantly comparing yourself to others and striving to do better and be better and still not getting the results you want. I am so good at so many thing. I am good a being organized. I am good at making agendas and plans. I am good at help people solve problems. I am good at staying calm in crazy situations. I am good at reminding others just how much they are worth to this crazy place we call life. And I mean, I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but I am the BEST gift-giver EVER. (just ask my friends... they'll tell you...)

So with all of that going for me, why can't I seem to feel like I am doing what I should be doing? Why do I feel like where I am and what I'm doing isn't enough. These feelings usually come from weekends of being surrounded by successful people or seeing a film or reading a book that touches my emotions in a way I didn't think possible. I strive to be like those kind of people. I strive to be strong, affluent, and provide meaning in a chaotic world where some people have very little influence. I want to provide some sort of outlet for those who think they have none, be it reading a book where they can fall into the world and not have to worry about the place around them. Or even a drawing that bring out a comfortable feeling where you just want to fall in and never get out again.

This feeling of being lost and not being able to jump out is normal for me. I have a feeling that one day, something will click. That someday, I will find where I was meant to be and finally feel complete. It has nothing to do with those currently around me or the job I'm doing right now. I certainly feel fulfilled in certain aspects of my life, but there's still that larger piece that's still missing. I have battled depression, anxiety, agoraphobia. I have stuck it all out on the line to find my own place of mental healing. And I honestly believe that I am getting there. It just takes one step at a time. Mental health is not something that can just change and one day you snap out of it. Some people honestly think that's how it works. But as someone who has traveled down that road and had to do the hard work, it is most certainly quite the opposite. I find that there are days when I still struggle and hope that maybe I can find the light at the end of the tunnel. There are days when I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and go back to sleep and start fresh the next day. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be someone that people look at and feel like I've struggled and came out okay on the other end. I know there are plenty of those people out in the world, and they do their hardest to provide a sense of safety for the folks still struggling.

On days like today, I always revert back to a quote I read by a very influential person (even if that person is fictional) - "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." - Dumbledore (from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban).

Thanks JK Rowling for knowing how to bring light in the darkest of times.