Who Needs a Therapist When

Me. I need a therapist. Thank you internet for being one. All tips will go to someday affording a real professional.

So, I went off of my anti-depressant medication back in May. This wasn't me making poor life choices, but rather advised by my doctor. The point of it was to test for some underlying conditions that could be causing or interacting with my mental health issues. It was a hopeful step toward a better long-term solution.

Unfortunately, it was followed very shortly by my partner, and thereby me, losing their health insurance. Which means that I am not only unmedicated but also untreated in any sense of the word. I had thought that it would be alright. After all, I'd first developed clear signs of mental health issues in my mid-teens, and didn't actually meet with a therapist until I was 25. I'd done pretty good before then at managing my symptoms in what were definitely unhealthy, but effective ways.

It turns out that I am anything but alright. Maybe it is simply that I am perched halfway between new, positive coping skills and old, awful ones. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am something of a bad therapy patient. I talked back, ignored homework, doubted the validity of their assertions. I like things to make sense, logically, which means that I hate aphorisms and positive self-talk. I self-diagnose and over-analyze the empirical validity of studies. Basically I demand that a therapist meet me on the terms that I want, and simply disregard or stop attending with any therapist who won't or can't.

I flat out refused anti-depressants until it was basically the only option I hadn't tried. Even then I pushed to keep them as low as possible. Not that they were overall a win. Maybe one of these days I'll go on a rant about the efficacy/side effect tradeoff of mental health medication, but it works for a lot of folks, and it even kind of worked for me, so that can wait.

Unfortunately, even if I wanted it, medication isn't an option now. Nor is therapy when even the online options are over a hundred dollars a month. Yet, I need something. Some recent events have made it pretty clear that I am still pretty non-functional or healthy, and while I could function without medication or therapy for years. It turns out, once you've tried getting help there is no going back.

So, since I can't afford a therapist, and I feel bad burdening those I love with even more debate and discussion about my mental health, I choose you, internet. You will give me terrible advice, I'm sure, but I'm not here for the advice. I'm here to talk myself through and around and over the issues that continue to plague my adulthood. It has always been the process that works best for me, so hopefully I can turn it in my favor here until I can make it back to the world of modern medicine/therapy.

In the meantime you can look forward to overly intellectualized discussions about depression, anxiety, trauma, treatment options and the lot. Who knows, maybe this will begin to look a lot like the journals I used to keep back in the therapy days—maudlin self-talk circles that lead nowhere. Or maybe they will function more like the problem solving conversations I used to have, speckled with rare insights and realizations. If there is anything I've learned as an adult, it is that you never ever fully understand what is ticking under your own brain's hood.

Hopefully, it'll be entertaining if nothing else.