Why Anxiety Makes Me Seem like a Bad Friend

I'm not a bad friend. I'm not a bad friend. I'm not a bad friend.

These are the words I repeated to myself as I cancelled yet another party, another dinner date, another movie night. I've unwittingly become a master of excuses.

"I'm so sorry, I think I've got the flu. Another night?"

"Oh man, I totally forgot that was this evening! Another night?"

"Omg sorry I just read this!! I fell asleep by accident and now I've got dribble in my hair. Another night?"

Although it is true that I'm prone to the odd accidental nap, that's not why I'm such a flake when it comes to social plans. My anxiety manifests itself usually a few hours or even a day before an event, taking over my entire mind like a tidal wave of worries, sucking all of the energy out of me and replacing it with one singular thought: How can I escape this situation?

I can justify this happening to myself before something I might not particularly want to do, for example a job interview, some sort of scary public speaking, or a date with someone from Tinder who sends those monkey emojis to punctuate every message.

But the problem is, this happens to me even when it's something I'm genuinely really excited for. Parties I've been looking forward to for weeks. Dates with a guy who sends RuPaul's Drag Race memes.

I feel genuine remorse and so much guilt when I cancel plans. Why can't I just tell them the truth? They are my friends after all. When I make these plans, I tell myself I'll definitely go. I want to go. On the occasions where I do leave the house, I do so by getting ready as quickly as possible and practically sprinting out of the door so as to not give myself a chance to even question it.

It's baffling that we've made it all the way to 2018 - an age of robot surgeons, AI beehives , and Joanna Lumley being mates with the Black Eyed Peas - without people feeling like they can openly discuss mental health and be taken seriously. Even while writing this, I worry that I won't be believed and will be bombarded with messages just calling me lazy and selfish.

Approximately 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year.In England, 1 in 6 people report experiencing a common mental health problem (such as anxiety and depression) in any given week.

My friends are like guardian angels to me, and I love them all dearly. They know I'm unreliable, but they're patient and understanding enough to not pressure me or lose their temper.

For my friends, I want to say thank you. I know it's not easy, but your help makes it so much easier and I'm trying my best.

P.S: I wasn't making that up about Joanna Lumley.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/scottybryan/itv-joanna-lumley-black-eyed-peas-tv-special

This is the first article I've ever written! Please be nice.