Why I'm 23 and Just Getting Started on My College Degree

No, this isn't another story about someone trying to make up for the mistakes they made in the past. This isn't another story about some white woman using her privilege to better her life, or walking over others to get to where I am today. I didn't go through some harrowing or heroic experience that made me miss "the best years of my life" while all my friends were out partying and living up those years.

But this is the story about why I did miss out on those four years. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Everyone has heard this phrase. There're different variations throughout different languages. To say that seeking help for mental health can be hard for yourself and those around you would only add to the negative stigma that already surrounds this issue.

For those who know me, you know it took me a long time to discuss this with anyone. It took a very long time for me to even know what I was going through myself. My family is one of those families where we do not talk about feelings or what were actually thinking. I'm not saying I am not close to my family or that we don't talk. It took a long time for our family to open up about our own mental health. When my father finally started this conversation during my senior year of high school, everything slowly started falling into place.

My dad would get panic attacks, which made him think many times he was having a heart attack before getting his diagnosis of anxiety. If you do not know, panic attack are a series of attacks in which the body goes into flight or fight mode. In my dad's case, he gets this nervous tick where he constantly open and closes his hand while shaking it. At its worst, his body goes into fight or flight mode and he starts hyperventilating. When he brought it up with his doctor, his doctor diagnosed him with anxiety.

Fast forward three years later from his diagnosis: my brother has been diagnosed as well and I had my first panic attack. Before getting diagnosed, I had never really asked my dad what his symptoms were. I never knew what was happening in my daily life were mini anxiety attacks that continued to debilitate me.

These anxiety attacks would start every time anyone mentioned the word college. Yet, I never knew these were panic attacks. I like to consider myself a very hardworking and organized individual, except when I tried to start any college applications I froze. I avoided my school counselor to avoid these feelings of panic attacks, quickly changed the subject at home when brought up, and lied to all my friends when they asked where I applied to. I would open a college application and get a pit in my stomach and feel nauseous at once. Whenever I tried to start and got further than the "personal information" section, my heart would race, I couldn't breathe, I could barely see, and I honestly thought I was having a heart attack or I was going to throw up. These feelings caused me to completely stop even attempting to fill out applications.

It wasn't until three years later when I got diagnosed with anxiety. In these three years, I continued to avoid any college applications and stayed working at my retail job. I had totaled my car so all I wanted to do was work to help pay my new used car off. School had always been my strong suit. My family believed I was the smartest in the family and my grades in school had always been excellent. This is why my parents were confused, to say the least, when I was not enrolled in college.

Thankfully, I met a woman at my job who quickly became my best friend. We took a while to get to know one another, but once we were close enough I discussed how I couldn't fill out any college applications due to those panic symptoms. Upon discussing our interests and our goals beyond this retail store, we sat down at my house that night and she filled out the application for the college and major of my choosing. Six weeks later, I was accepted and she was the first person I told. If it weren't for her, I strongly believe I would not have even attempted to be enrolled.

My best friend was there for every move in day, happily moving my things in and proud as ever that I followed through with my dreams. She continuously pushed me and expected the world from me. Getting my degree was no easy feat. I decided to pursue a career in athletic training. For those of you who do not know what an athletic trainer is, it is the people who run out to help your favorite players when they get injured during their sport. We are the first responders of sports, we also are responsible for rehabilitation, evaluation, and prevention of sports injuries. During my time at school, I had added anxiety like any college kid. But, in this field, musch like nursing students, we have clinical rotations and hours we had to achieve every semester.

During my first year at school, my best friend who helped me get to where I am even today, decided to enlist into the US Marine Corps. So while I had been adjusting to my new life at school, I lost my best friend to bootcamp. I could not reach her unless it was through the mail. Yes, like pen and paper snail mail was our only communication. Every day my anxiety symptoms I had from filling out applications resurfaced. I finally received the help I needed through my family doctor and also with the school counselors.

Now, I am 23 and graduating college. All of my friends have already graduated and are in the real world earning money. I still had internships and had to work extremely hard for everything I have done to this day. I did not have the money to go to college and no eligible co-signer for all my loans. I thankfully was able to work at various jobs, alongside my unpaid internships and clinical hours for my degree. Obviously, being in this situation heightened my anxiety on an everyday basis. Not only that, but I need a master's degree as well to get to the real high-profile jobs I want. So this is only the beginning. I have so much further to go.

Basically, this entire article is just a very long-winded way of saying YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I know it is hard to believe that there are other people out there just like you. I am one of the most stubborn people my friends have ever met and I am not big on sharing my personal life. I needed to spill my guts in order to tell you, whoever is reading this, that YOU CAN succeed. It is a terrible disease to have.

If you aren't battling anxiety, imagine one of these situations CONSTANTLY in your head all day:

1. You said something stupid to the man/woman of your dreams, and for that reason they aren't responding to you
2. You just woke up from a long night of drinking, don't remember a thing, and your friends have all texted you saying "we need to talk", "WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS", "Dont speak to me again", etc.
3. Your middle school experience just on repeat. (We all know how awkward you were).
4. You pull your phone out and have 20 missed calls from family members.
5. Just watching a very jumpy/scary movie.
6. A test worth 80 percent of your final grade.
7. Walking into a class not knowing there was an assignment due.

All of these situations somewhat give you a feeling of anxiety. People who suffer with anxiety deal with this on some scale every day. It is tough to put into words what an anxiety attack feels like and I apologize if anyone feels like this is an unfair explanation, but it is my explanation.

To the person with an anxiety disorder, I know it is a fight every day to be yourself. I know what it is like to not want to get out of bed due to avoidance of anxiety. I know in some way what you are going through. If anyone has told you to get over it, you're fine, or "just stop thinking/worrying about it" I know you want to punch them in the face, don't. You are capable of reaching your full potential and defeating these thoughts. But, you do need to take it day by day. Anxiety doesn't go away, it is how your body is wired. Though, it is possible to lessen the extent of the symptoms. I know it sounds impossible, but I have seen it first hand.

You can and will get through this. I believe in you. If you feel like you have no one in your corner, I am there rooting for you. I know you feel like you are dying during a panic attack. I know people tell you to "try and find a focus" during the anxiety attack, and I know it is impossible. You should see someone to become more familiar with what is going on in your mind.

Back to the topic at hand, I hope you realize it is possible for you to lessen the effect this annoying disease. It can be debilitating at times, and I know there are worse cases than mine as well, but every case should be taken seriously. Please know, I am in your corner rooting for you.To anyone who struggles with this issue, take the plunge and tell some close friends. It is easier once you get a friend or family member backing you up, taking you back to reality following an attack.

To high school juniors and seniors with anxiety: take the plunge. Seek help now and try to get ahead of your panic symptoms. I wish I had been more educated on anxiety when I was your age, I would have already been half way through my master's degree by now. But then again, when I was in high school, admitting you had any mental health issues during any point of your life was taboo. No one used to come forward and detail what they were going through in their own head about 7-8 years ago. So please, I urge you to seek help and take advantage of your resources. People are set in place to help you get your anxiety under control. I know my first day with no symptoms felt absolutely amazing, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

For those of you who can, fight through those college applications. I know it feels like your body is going through shock when doing this, but you aren't going to die. It is going to get easier and your body is going to thank you once you hit that "submit" button. It is the oxytocin your body needs at your insane time in life. You may feel like there is this insane pressure on you to get into the best school, but there isn't. Being the smartest kid in my family I felt like they expected me to go to an elite college and succeed there. Yet, my family is going to sit in those stands cheering wildly for me in a few days, even though I went to a tiny liberal arts school as opposed to a big ten school.You need to realize a no isn't the end of the world, even though it sucks. It just means another place is looking for a student exactly like you. But they don't know you exist unless you tell them and send your application in.

If you're struggling with money and need to take the year off, go for it. I am happy it took me a while, I matured and grew a lot during my time away from school. Taking time off did allow me to become even more focused during my college career. So, if you feel like you need to stop due to this, then do it. But if what is stopping you is that drowning feeling, push through those feelings, trust me it feels great on this side of it.

You will defeat your anxious thoughts. I promise. Keep fighting.