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Without Emotion

Numb

Countless people around the world suffer from mental health issues on a daily basis.

Some people can have better days, some can have worse. You could go on a three-year good streak and watch the world suddenly crash around you.

Today, we're focusing on depression, and just what this has taken from me, and many like me.

Our emotions.

Before I realised my depression was returning—I was unfortunate enough to have it during my childhood—I'd spent months wondering why I didn't feel as much as I used to. Wondering if it were just a part of growing up or just me in general.

I don't feel happiness, I don't feel love, I don't even feel anger. I am just numb.

As I've dealt with round two of depression, I've come to learn new skills. To work out through the numbness what is, in fact, the numb-equivalent of that feeling.

Being with my partner for over four years, I know how in love I felt before, and I can find the closest version now. I know I'm in love with him, it's there, buried by an illness I'm doing my best to break free from.
My want to always be with him, to wake up next to him, and a sensation of home when I put my arms around him? Yeah, I'm damn proud of myself to have recovered those.

Happiness was more tricky. The struggle of remembering how happiness felt beforehand was quite hard to find. It's more of a guessing game and presumptions, but I'm getting there.

I can tell when I'm frustrated.

My head feels cloudy and heavy. Tears constantly try to force themselves from my eyes. Everything seems to speed up more, especially when I can't get my voice heard.

It's the worst one, but it's there from time to time.

The numbness is one of the hardest things to handle for me. To wonder if I'll ever feel that genuine emotion again, or what if this comes back a few years down the line and hit me just as hard, if not worse?

You never know how much you loved having your emotions until you feel empty inside. Having nothing there and just being a blank being.

If you know someone who is feeling numb, don't hate them for it, or think they're faking it. I promise you we'd love to properly feel again. Be for them like you normally would, appreciate and love them just like you normally would.

Leaving us numb and knowing you don't like how we are, will make things worse, harder to try and feel better, harder to try and be better. There's nothing more discouraging than wishing you were who you were before.

If the numbness becomes too much for you, please be aware that there are people out there who have broken free from it. They feel again. It is possible, and we'll all get there someday.

Be brave my fighters, and if you can't feel brave? Fake it. Give yourself that fake confidence and bravery until they become real.

Being numb and living without any emotion is not easy. If you suffer it too, I am truly sorry you have to go through with it. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone in the world.

I hope you are able to enjoy your day and future days.

You are valid, you are valued, and you are loved.

You are never alone.