Psyche logo

Working with Crippling Anxiety

Will it ever end?

By Melody WoodPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
Like

I remember the first time I had an anxiety attack at work. It was my first job at 16, in a supermarket that several members of my family had worked at. I ran into the staff bathroom and didn't come out for an hour, maybe a little longer. I kept going back and forth from crying uncontrollably to staring blankly at the stall door. My closest friend at work came in to try to calm me down, but nothing was working. I was just ready to leave and never go back. Later on that month, I went in to talk to my manager with my mom about taking a leave of absence but that soon turned into me quitting completely. I had to go to an outpatient program for a week at the least but I ended up going for about two and missing some school. There was a bigger part of me that was happy to not go back rather than working again because the thought of going trough another anxiety attack like that was crippling. It traumatized me.

I've had seven other jobs since then and I'm 21 years old now. I understand some people bounce from job to job because they're looking for the right one but what I have done is different from that. The longest I've been able to contain my emotions is six months, but even at that job I was having my attacks a few months prior to leaving. The way that I can go from nothing to feel like I'm possibly about to die in a matter of minutes still baffles me and I've dealt with the feeling for at least ten years. Once it starts, I can't turn it off. It feels as if the walls are caving in on me and nothing will ever be okay for me again. My heart beats out of my chest making me want to pass out. I nearly throw up but all I can really do is gag. God forbid someone tries to talk to me and tell me to just breathe because for some reason that is always a trigger for me to break down even more. If I could just figure out how to make it stop, I believe I could be successful at anything I wanted to be.

Sometimes I consider getting social security because I'm too afraid of failing again and/or letting people down, but I don't want to feel so badly that I resort to just giving up. Getting those checks would make me feel like I decided I wasn't strong enough to keep fighting it. It would be substantially easier to get those checks but would I be proud of myself? Not in the slightest. Not to say that I don't think social security checks are a great option but for people that really, truly need it and I don't feel like I should be in that category. Not yet at least. The last job I had I wouldn't even count because I lasted a month this time around which is possibly the shortest so far. I'm not giving up hope though, I'm still looking actively and hope to make it through the next one. Maybe I won't but it doesn't mean it has to be the end.

I could potentially be a millionaire someday, anyone could I think. All I have to do is find the root of my anxiety when I'm at work and figure out how to break it down. I have been fighting this disorder for years but I refuse to let it get me down. I can be whoever I want to be regardless of the thoughts I accumulate in my own head. I know I am worthy and I know I am strong.

For anyone who struggles with everyday crippling anxiety, we're in this together. We can make it through with a little bit of hope. If you don't believe in you, know that I do enough for the both of us. Keep fighting with me!

anxiety
Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.