"Worth" in Society

As a child, I quickly learned from the adults around me to look down on others who do not "fit in" to society; the homeless, the mentally ill, the addicted. Now currently being able to commit myself to two of those categories, and less than four months ago being able to commit to all three, I have realized that it is so damn easy to judge others from a place of comfortability.

Only those who have money judge those who don't, only those who have never struggled with mental illness judge those who do, and only those who have never seen a loved one struggling with addiction judge those who are.As I looked down on these "unworthy" people as a child, I never believed that for a second that I could be one of them. It never crossed my mind that I would one day lie, steal, and sell the last of my belongings to get a fix. I never fathomed that I would jump from trap house to house, trying to stay one step ahead of the police. I never believed that I would become a victim of sexual abuse, get jumped into a gang at 18, or have to use my fists to prove my street worth.

Like I said, I was comfortable. I didn't struggle for food, or shelter, or clothing. My parents always made sure that I and my younger siblings were well looked after. I believed I would grow up to be somebody that other people admired and looked up to, not one that mothers subconsciously pulled their children away from, tight against their opposing hip as they passed by.

I see children now, and see a part of myself that I will never regain: so innocent and pure, unknowing. I've thought about what I would say to a younger version of me if I could go back in time to deter myself from the path I have chosen. I eventually came up with this,

"It's okay to be not okay, but it's not okay to keep it to yourself. Tell your mother, she'll understand more than you think. Keep your true friends close, no matter what the rest of the world thinks of them. They'll hold your hand when you most need it. Try your hardest at everything you do, but don't quit when you think you might not make it. If you quit every time you lack perfection, you will never achieve success. Perfection is not achievable, don't beat yourself up over the small stuff. Demand the respect you know you are worth, and don't let anyone change your standards. You are your own worst enemy and critic, but also your own best cheerleader. Praise yourself for a job well done, but don't expect that others will too. Laugh it off as much as you can for God's sake; you're only human."

Maybe if someone had sat me down and told me these things, my fate could be somehow deterred from the path I have chosen. I can't blame anyone but myself, but I'd like to think that if I wasn't so naive I could have made better decisions.

My decisions have made me who I am today, and for that I am thankful. I also know that I have faced immense trauma that could have been avoided had somebody noticed my cries for help over the years. Maybe I could have been diagnosed earlier, been set straight earlier, and avoided all of this turmoil I've not only caused in my own life, but also my families'. Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you take anything from this short piece, please try to take the time to notice a cry for help and not blow it off as "attention seeking" as I hear many parents describe their children's behavior.

You're not wrong; it is attention seeking, but why? Why do they feel the need to lash out/act out in order to receive the love they know they deserve? Ignoring attention seeking behavior encourages more drastic attention seeking behavior.

Eventually, the behavior turns from manipulation to learned behavior, and the results are that of a 20-year-old "kid" like myself, homeless out on the streets, alone dealing with psychotic depression and manic anxiety, using street drugs to shut out the pain. STOP THE STIGMA. START THE CONVERSATION.