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Wrestling with My Head

A Look at Depression

The human mind is of a brilliant and intelligent design. It can help a person create beautiful paintings and stories, or solve an elaborate equation. Each brain mind is different. Every person, man, woman, child, have distinct thoughts going through their mind right now.  

Some have a calm mind, but for others, the mind is like a storm that never ends. In my case it is a storm. A raging, frightening, storm. I either feel nothing at all, while the thoughts of desperation and death cloud my mind, or I feel sorrow that cuts me to the core like a sharp knife. Hating myself over and over again without any real reason. Depression is something no one asks for or chooses. You're a prisoner inside your own head. It is not something you simply get over within a day. It takes time and the right support.

If you know someone who is a prisoner in their own head, please, remember that they are trying. That we are trying. We don't need to be a victim, but you can't fix us either. Each journey is different.

You aren't alone.

Do I think I am entitled because of my depression? No, I do not have the right to treat others horribly because I am suffering. Mental illness is real, this is true. One can't take a bandage and patch it up— it's something so much deeper and I can't always explain it.  There is no "why," it just is.  And those struggling with it, needn't blame others. But be brave enough to find help. Keep trying until someone listens.  You have to protect yourself.  

Who knew the mind could be such a terrifying thing?  Sometimes it's like it controls itself. And other times, we find the energy to try and shut it up. 

Smiling on the Outside, Crying on the Inside

You never know what someone is going through.

Baby steps, baby steps—those words begin to echo in my head, but then the voices of my depression come and swallow them whole. There are days where I can actually get out of bed. Do my hair, maybe put a little make up on. Twenty-oneyears old and I feel like an old crone that has seen too much. 

A young body but an ancient soul. Part of me can't believe that I have become this way.  It's like each day I lose a little bit more of myself.  

Fighter

A little bit of determination goes a long way. I have clinical depression, social anxiety disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. That being said, if it's not my depression whispering all kinds of lies in my ear it's my anxiety fussing over a long list of what if's....

What if so-and-so is made at me? What if I don't get the job? Etc, etc, etc. Despite this, I continue to hold onto whatever determination I have left. It makes me a fighter, but sometimes even fighters get knocked down. There is no shame in that.   

Last, but not least...

We cry but no one seems to hear.

You'll be hearing more from me, I can guarantee that. Here is a shout out to anyone dealing with depression. We are tough! No one understands the pain and agony better than those going through it.  Keep moving, I know it's easier said than done. Do what's best for you and not what's best for others. 

Jillian Weiss
Jillian Weiss

Hi, my name is Jillian Weiss and I am 21 years old.  I have been writing since I was a little girl and enjoy writing Fantasy novels. I love a classic Fantasy with unforgettable characters and beautiful lands. I'm a child at heart.

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