Xanax

A few years ago I was diagnosed with a few mental health conditions, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) proving to be one of the more invasive ones in my daily life. I still experience extreme anxiety making plans with friends I've known for ages, throughout the day I experience moments where it feels like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest, and I tend to think of the worst when something doesn't play out exactly as how I thought it would.

Having to explain how my anxiety feels and affects me daily to friends and acquaintances is nerve-wracking in itself. More often that not the response is, "Just snap out of it... stay positive... you just need to find some new hobbies..." Well, gee, if it was that easy all the time I wouldn't be telling you all this, would I? I usually just bite my tongue and nod. I try not to think about it too much...

And then one day, I confided to someone that I had started taking Xanax again. In recent months my anxiety had started getting so bad that I was having nightmares every night that would often end in me crying or shaking when I woke up. I started shaking while driving; I grip the steering wheel so hard I have callouses on my palms. An unread message on Facebook (or, a read message that was never replied to) would make me jump to the most ridiculous conclusions. At my last monthly appointment with my psychiatrist I admitted that I wanted to start taking something for anxiety again.

I've tried a plethora of medications—mood stabilizers, antidepressants, benzos. So far the best combination for me has been an antidepressant plus Xanax. Sadly, there is still such a huge stigma regarding mental health, and maybe even more so regarding the use of benzodiazepines.

As I was telling this person about how my psych appointment had gone, I saw a look of horror on her face. "Oh my gosh, you sound like an addict, you probably just take it to feel high! You should just try to get more sleep and exercise, and eat healthier..."

I'm sure she had good intentions, but I felt a little insulted. Sure, everyone has heard negative things about various medications, but we seem to forget that in moderation and responsible use, medications like Xanax can be a huge factor in someone getting to experience a "normal" life. It's not like I'm popping bars every night for fun, to feel high. I don't buy it on the street. I'm aware that taking too much has undesirable side effects. I do understand though that there are people who end up abusing the drug and this is what hear more about, rather than the positives. It's sad and unfair that many people will automatically assume that because you take medication, you are trying to escape reality. I take medication to help me understand my reality with a healthier, less frazzled mindset.

I'm probably rambling by now but this is just something that has been on my mind for the past week. Too many people have told me I'm just trying to escape, all it takes to feel better is to think positive, or that I'm just bandaging the problem rather than fixing. What's funny to me is that sometimes the person judging me for taking medication, turns a blind eye to someone who drinks too much, or copes with feelings of anxiety and loneliness by being promiscuous or cheating. We deal with things differently. What's the effing difference?