You Do Not Understand My Eating Disorder

Dear reader,

Here's to the people who have shared this statement over and over again. For those of you who do not know me I suffer from anorexia. Anorexia is an awful illness that creates an intense fear around food and gaining weight (medical definition). Eating disorders vary from person to person. If you only hear this from me, hear this...I did not choose Ana, she chose me and she does not define me.

Growing up I now realize I always had some kind of distorted image of my body and weight. I needed some kind of control not directly through my weight and food at first. As I got older this undesirable need for control set in. When things around me spiraled out of my control, I knew that what I consumed and how my body felt was always in my control. This ladies and gentlemen is what you call the start of an eating disorder — the slow need for control and an unobtainable goal. For those of you who have become mythbusters in solving myths and statements about people with eating disorders without having one, I'm here to do that for you. I will be only discussing anorexia because that was my personal battle.

1) People who have anorexia do not feel hungry.

Listen up first and foremost I am human and YES, I am always hungry —just as you are. Due to my obsessive need for control I chose to ignore the hunger cues my body gives me because that pain distracts me from my external pain. There are days that I am motivated and I truly do walk downstairs with as much courage as it takes, and make my food. There are two sides to this story, I can finish my meal or I make it and leave it for tomorrow which is still progress. Food and hunger cues are inevitable. I am hungry and I do eat, when I have the insane amount of courage to do so.

2) Anorexia is a lifestyle.

THIS IS NOT A LIFESTYLE. It is a terrible illness that take the lives of so many people. Maybe you see severely skinny girls and boys and that magazine cover says skinny is the new vogue but trust me, it's not. Now body shaming can go both ways for smaller ladies because sometimes it truly is their natural frame. I am saying that if I could choose to walk away from this for the rest of my life — I would in a heartbeat

3) Recovery is easy.

This is my personal favorite. Recovery is never easy when it comes to anything. Recovery is not eating every meal and having weight restored...recovery is finding self-love and loving the new body you work your ass off for. It's understandable that everyday is a struggle. It's waking up and saying that today I chose recovery. Yes some days I wake up and can't make myself breakfast, okay so I eat a smaller snack. Sometimes I can't even make it through that, but that doesn't mean I gave up — it means I had a rough morning. Cool, great, you know what? I'm going to try again because I can and I want recovery. Recovery is a rollercoaster.

Here you go ladies and gentleman that is the breakdown of stigmas I have heard regarding anorexia personally. If you know someone with an eating disorder, be gentle and understanding. We are patient with you so please be patient with us.

Sincerely,

Someone with anorexia, who has compassion for everyone in the same position or trying to understand.

XOXO