You Just Want Attention

My father had high hopes for me when I was young. I was ambitious and smart, I did well in high school, I had money saved up, paid my bills on time, and I didn't have a care in the world because everything was, in his eyes, going my way.

What he didn't know was that I was dying inside. I was filled with pain and depression, and no one could see it. I became very good at pretending. I was so lost that I stopped caring about myself in every possible way. I let myself become something that I didn't recognize. I fought my depression for a long time, struggled with cutting myself for years, and I have the scars to prove it. When that wasn't enough to fuel me, I turned to sex. I let my body be used and abused to numb my pain.

My problem was that I didn't know why I felt this way. I didn't know how to stop it. I hated myself, I hated my life, I hated looking in the mirror everyday and seeing ME. I was constantly disgusted by myself. None of my family knew I felt this way. I was great at hiding my pain, putting on a smile, and showing "happiness."

When my family finally found out the truth of how I felt inside, my mother cried, then yelled at me for not telling her, and my father told me I just wanted attention. Mind you, they found out by accident. I never wanted them to know. My mom walked in on my while I was changing and she saw my cuts.

She wanted to throw me at doctors and therapists like I was a mental patient who escaped from the asylum. My father said that I don't need that. He told me I have nothing to be depressed about. "You just want attention." Those four words echo in my ears until this day. My father could never understand how someone could be depressed when they have a "good life." I wanted to die.

The reason I write this story is to hopefully help someone who is going through this or a parent that has a child going through this. We hide our true emotions, but we do want to open up but it's hard for us to because we are afraid to speak the truth. We are afraid of how you'll take it or maybe we already know how you'll react. Don't give up on us. Let us know how much you love and care every chance you get.

I was near the brink of total suicide because of how much I internalized how I was feeling. It wasn't until I let it out that I started to feel better and move forward with my life.

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” - Aristotle