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You See Silver, I See Black

Getting Hit Out of Nowhere

I know it has been weeks since you have last heard from me.  I started my new job!  It is a great job with wonderful co-workers. It has taken the physical challenges away from what I faced when I was cooking professionally. It has a relaxing pace for several hours, four days a week. However, my anxiety has been like the big bad wolf trying to blow down my house. Most people would think that a person in my position would be jumping and clicking his heels, but when anxiety slides in, you end up falling on your face.

I do work with some entertaining people. Time flies when some harmless fun is happening. The person that does my job when I am not there is an elderly woman. Of course, like most people her age, she loves to talk whenever someone is willing to listen. I had the pleasure of working beside her a couple of days already. Sometimes we get big groups that stay, and it is always nice to have plenty of staff. During those days it seemed I learned everything about her. She talked about her cats, her family, where she lives, she treated me like I was her long-time best friend, even though it was only the second time we met. As she felt more comfortable talking to me, she continued. And continued.

I'm not complaining one bit about listening to someone talk, especially an elderly person that doesn't get many opportunities to talk, nor willing participants to listen. But the more she talked, the more my thoughts started spinning and the evil anxiety monster started peeking their head out. She started to get into her finances and how she struggles as a senior citizen to survive in these current times. She has become frugal only because of her situation. She has been forced to tightly budget her expenses, and continued to be frightened of the possibilities of a major house or car repair. She is diabetic. Medicare doesn't come close to providing the assistance that she needs to control her blood sugar. Now is the time that my anxiety fully stepped in and took over.

My anxiety started telling me I am only 16 years away from being either in the same situation or maybe even worse.  I say worse due to the fact she does actually own her own home, which is a far cry from myself renting a room. She has spent her entire life in the service industry, like me. An industry, which doesn't have many rewards like retirement plans since the turn-over rate is tremendous. I started thinking about how I have gone backward in my career, stepping away from the better-paying management jobs and settling with the barely above minimum wage part-time work I'm currently doing. Only because of the structure pains, and of course, my anxiety. This is the point to where I start going into straight panic attack.

Now there are many of you that would stop and rationally think of a solution to start heading in the right direction to possibly fix this. Saving money, lose weight, eat healthier, supplementary income, you get the picture. However, a person with anxiety is doing a spreadsheet projecting and predicting expenses and incomes for something that is 16 years in the future. I had myself literally in tears thinking of the possibilities of where I would be living, how I would be living, how poor I would be, and still relying on myself to survive. Just like my fellow co-worker is doing right now. It is a nightmare, and I am not even asleep.

Nightmares eventually go away when one is awakened. The content and images it left will linger on. Anxiety has the same effect. My anxiety has passed and I have come to simpler terms on rectifying my future and to give myself a better peace of mind. The thoughts that my anxiety gave me will still linger on.  It had taken a couple of weeks to get to this point where I can share it on Vitality Adjustment. I do not like to take too much time in between my posts. I like to give a personal assessment on what I am feeling, and get it out there to possibly benefit someone else that suffers from anxiety.  

To come right down to it, this also benefits me. I have a chance to challenge my anxiety and to show that I can overcome some of the fears I have, which prevented me from getting started.  Sometimes it just takes a little patience to let time pass and get a different perspective on things. I remember my first time getting the wind knocked out of me. For a few short seconds, it seemed like life was over. Holding my midsection, at the same time confused about why air is not going in my body when that is the one thing I want happening right now.  It took time to be able to stand on two feet again and breath normally. Anxiety will hit you hard, hard enough to where it will feel like what I felt when the wind was knocked out of me. The lesson is telling yourself it will be alright, and once the air starts coming in and filling your lungs once again, you will be ready to proceed until the next blow.

Search for the ways that will personally assist you in dealing with anxiety attacks. I don't have the answer to what that method is, or will be, that is for you to decide. I will show you that there is a light at the end of each tunnel by showing and sharing my life experiences.  If you have any further questions feel free to contact me at [email protected]

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You See Silver, I See Black
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