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You Won't Hear This Often

What Bi-Polar Depression Feels Like (To Me)

But most of the time, I look like this (on the right).

It's not the best subway station, with its blue tiled walls, and cement floors, flickering lights over head that seemed to follow you around wherever you go. You're sitting on a bench in the middle of the platform, facing the tracks where there were once cars waiting. Now all you see is two black tunnels. You're sitting with your Zara combat-boots on the seat, and your chin resting on your knees. You waft away a strand of light brown hair away from your face and get up. Wandering about the half lit station, you stumble into the bathroom, but make sure there is no one following you in. You locked the doors and now your hands are planted firmly against the marble sink, and you look straight into your own eyes.

Your chest fills with air until you have to let out at once. Taking deep breaths that make you feel dizzy, instead of actually calming you down. Try again, shake it off, and look at the mirror. Watch your bright eyes turn red and salty. Look at your face while you cry in complete silence. You're getting frustrated now, you're placing your hands on top of your head and fingers through hair, what are you going to do now? Stand there in the mirror with your face turned to stone with your eyes, the blackness around them, and the redness that fills them. 

You think you hear the bell for a new train, fix your makeup, and get ready, and feel some what hopeful. As you walk through the screeching door with missing flakes of paint, you see no one is in the station. There is no train, no people, no noise, and the lights begin to shut off one by one. Each light that goes off startles you with a loud boom, boom, boom, BOOM. You are alone, in a a dark cave, and there is no one coming for you, not even the train. 

You run to the closest wall and pound on the door, you're screaming "Anyone!! Help me!" You cry in fear, and begin to sound like you're trying to not be murdered by a man with a knife and scary mask. You try all the door handles you can find, shaking them so hard that they could just pop off.

But you're stuck. In the dark. In the cold. No sign of help coming, you are completely forgotten.

You are alone.

This is was bi-polar depression feels like for me. A lot of people who do not have this problem, think they know everything there is to it. If you do not have this condition, you do not know how this feels. And I am not taking away the fact that people go through all kinds of bad things, and can relate to the scenario and feelings I described, but having to live with your brain constantly changing, and your moods constantly changing, and living with how it affects your relationships is just something you can not relate to.

There are fights that are unique to the dynamic of bi-polar depression. So when someone tries to give advice, or put their two cents in and try to tell me this or that, all that sounds like is just multiple worlds crashing together against my head, like the monkey with the symbols. 

There are days were I feel like I have been on auto pilot, because I am just so stressed our or disappointed that I have to turn off or I will unravel. I haven't described what my anger feels like when I am being pushed or provoked. It feels like a hurricane, I just get more and more mad, because my thoughts are going 1000 miles per hour swarming in my head just circling around. I'll be mad at one specific thing, but the cyclone in my head takes that away for a second and brings me something else to be mad at, and it carries that one away and a next one and next one, the first one comes back around, and that's the cycle. When that is happening, I need the other person to shut up and understand that what is happening to me during the fight is separate from the fight itself, and I need help. Besides, it's beneficial for both parties to stop and calm down anyways.

But I want you readers to know that I am a happy person, who loves life, and is always having fun. I myself am not depressed, even though I have bi-polar depression. I get over things fast, and let go, because I believe every second of your life you spend mad or upset, just unhappy in general, is a waste of precious time. Life is too short to waste not enjoying it or at least just being neutral, LOL. 

-L

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