Hello. I’m writing on here to let people know they are not alone. My life isn’t roses and butterflies, nobody's is. Everyone has good days, and bad. This last year of my life has changed me in so many ways. In October of 2017, I lost my cousin in the most horrific way possible. Someone took her life. She was basically my sister, we grew up together side by side. All through grade 12 (months before she passed), we texted everyday about school because we were both graduating that year. We’d wish each other good luck on our exams and ask how they went after. She came to my graduation and I regret not being there for hers. October 3, 2017, my cousin was stabbed in her own vehicle as she stopped for a coffee on her way to work. Yup, insane right? I don’t talk about it much so it’s hard to even type. She was an innocent 19-year-old girl. He was a 20 something year old man, high off meth. She just graduated, she had goals. She was supposed to go to Red River that following summer to take culinary courses. She will never be able to live that dream. She was so close, so excited to become an adult. And now, she’s gone. Forever. It left me here wondering, why? Why didn’t it happen to me, why was she taken from me? I struggled a lot after wondering my purpose here in this world. I cried every day, and still cry most days. She was so precious, so innocent. Such a beautiful woman taken far too soon. Why? Life isn’t fair. Since then, I have struggled with depression and anxiety. Luckily, my family ,work family and boyfriend have all been super strong and supportive. My family and I are getting through it one step at a time. My work family and boyfriend are always here making me feel better. I love them all.
That’s not it...
Three months after I lost my cousin, something terrible occurred again. New Year’s Eve I was out with my friends celebrating for the new year. That night I felt off and wanted to be picked up. My mom and dad picked me up. There was silence in the car, then sudden tears. “What?” I asked over and over with my heart racing a million miles per hour. “How do we even tell her,” my mom asked my dad. My eyes start watering and my brain starts thinking about everything and everyone in my life wondering who it was this time. My uncle. My moms brother Scott, dropped dead of a heart attack in his apartment at age 39. My brain went fuzzy and all I could do is cry. I could barely breathe as all these thoughts were running through my mind. Why, why, why?! He was just here with us mourning about my cousin. Now he’s gone too. My dear uncle, too young as well. My heart broke in to a million pieces and still feels broken to this day. Life will never be the same. I always imagined them at my wedding, and one day meeting my future children. 😢. Neither of them got the chance to have a family of their own. They barely traveled the world. I keep having constant thoughts of “why wasn’t it me” over and over and over. I still do. I feel guilt in my bones for being able to live my life. Like it’s not fair to them. I miss them. So much you have no idea.
It’s November 2018 now, and I feel like these moments have changed me. It has opened my eyes to realize how fast you can lose someone you love. I try to tell everyone around me I love them and appreciate them every day. I have bad days, but also good—good days are when I forget about life for a brief moment. Every day I work on myself, trying to be positive. Some days are harder than others. I have come to realize that it has happened, and there is nothing I can do to change it except try to move on. Of course, I will always love and think about them, but it’s good to move on and live my life. As of now, I’m just working to save up money because me and my boyfriend of three years are moving to Toronto this August (in nine months). This will be a nice change for me to figure out my life and kind of re fresh everything . We’re also going on vacation in two months which we both really need. It will be nice. It’s been a while since we’ve done stuff for ourselves. My boyfriend is going to school in Toronto and so we are going to get an apartment out there and I will be working and going to school part time. Not exactly sure for what yet but it’ll come to me eventually. I’m only 19 so I have a lot of time. I like to live in the moment because you’ll never know what day is your last. Hold your friends and family close, and cherish your life for as long as you can.
Thank you for reading,
A broken, trying girl.
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