Feeling Older Than I Am

I'm not even 21 and I feel so much older. I find it crazy I can even feel this way. The only thing that would make any sense of why I feel this way is simply due to my mental state and trauma I've gone through. For months I've been trying to wrap my head around many things. My mind just keeps going around in circles. The only break I get is when I'm asleep. I used to take an anti-depressant, but I stopped a few years ago. Now I'm craving the happiness I once felt while I was taking them. There is a song by Troye Sivan called "Happy Little Pill," and that is solely what they were to me, happy little pills. I've been thinking about going back on them because the pain is getting too much to bear. When I stopped taking them, I was at a low point in my life. I stopped taking them because I began to feel depressed. In my mind, then it made sense for me to stop taking them. Only because I thought they weren't helping. Now I'm realizing that decision was an extremely big mistake. I learned taking them was the only thing that was preventing me from getting to the point I got to. My brain was trying its best to function. To deal with life with no help.

I was 17, a couple of months away from turning 18 when I decided to stop taking my not so happy pill. I was attending school, trying my best to graduate just like all seniors. Months before I called it quits with my mood booster I got into a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. (Side-note: My advice for anyone who is thinking about getting back into a relationship that didn't work out is, think long and hard about why it didn't work out before. Think about how you felt after the relationship ended and how you felt while in it). Looking back I think I only got back into a relationship with him because it gave me something to do (like a distraction). At the time my home life was a mess, and I just wanted out but that's a story to tell all on its own. Being with him only made things worse. Having to wrestle with my mental issues on top of being a high school senior trying to graduate then constantly putting effort into a relationship made my life a living hell. After a while, my mind couldn't function, and anxiety took control. As a result, I stopped attending school. Leaving my house and being around people was next to impossible. I thought everyone was trying to kill me. Paranoia hit like a train going 100 mph and I lost many friends because of it. The only way I would leave my house was when one of my family members would accompany me. They were the only people who made me feel safe. Shortly after discontinuing my American education, my ex told me that he had to move out of the place he was living. He asked if he could move in with my family and me. I begged my mom because I thought it would mentally make me feel better...plus I loved him. She eventually said yes. That day is the only day in my life I would change. It made everything ten times worse.

This is just a brief significant chapter in my life. For a while, I've been keeping everything bottled inside. I've thought for a while about how I wanted to share my stories. I know there are so many people struggling with mental illnesses. Living with anxiety and depression can feel extremely lonely. I'm so thankful for the internet because at my lowest points I learned that I'm not alone because of it. There are others enduring similar things I am. Learning that I'm not alone helped me so much. So sharing my story just feels right, almost like giving back. Whoever reads this I hope whatever struggles that you are going through gets easier. Remember, your heart is beating for you, so don't give up on it.