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Life of an Addict (Pt. 5)

The Realization of it All

I felt like I was drowning, for so long.

"Getting myself into some real bad shit," was definitely an understatement. The trials and tribulations that were to come with the life that I  had chosen to live, and the choices that I would choose to make, would be unimaginable to anything I had ever been through up to that point in my life.

I guess it still didn't hit me fully at that point. I knew I would become someone else. Just didn't realize the extreme changes I would face. Honestly, I really didn't even slow down with the drugs I was doing and the lifestyle I was living. I probably got worse, just to keep it real. I was doing anything and everything to support my habits. One thing I can say I had a conscience about, was stealing from people. I would justify the shoplifting I have done, by telling myself that the company had insurance to pay for the things that were taken. But, I could never bring myself to break into a person's home or car. So, I guess I did retain some of my morals that I was taught as a child growing up. But, I have done plenty of other things that I knew were wrong, just to finance my addiction and to keep that awful, gut-wrenching, feeling of withdrawal from taking over me. Not to say that I didn't go through the withdrawal symptoms more times than I can imagine. But if there was anything I could do to assure that I wouldn't go through it for the day, I would do it.

I would take from stores and trade the items to my dealer for drugs, mostly oxycontin at the time. Or sell the items at an unbelievable discount, just to get rid of it fast. And then use the money to buy the pills. After doing the pills for about a year, it got to where I'd have to do two or three, 80mg oxys, just to get well. When I say "well", I mean going from feeling like complete shit to feeling like I can function for the next 8 hours or so. And by that time the price of oxys was up to $40-50 for each 80mg pill. So, I was having to do, lord knows what, to get at least $100 to $150, each time, just to function. And I'd have to do that between two and three times every day. It was getting harder and harder to fund my daily habit. And I knew I was taking a huge risk every time I made that choice, to go into whatever store I chose that day, and come out with whatever merchandise I managed to get away with taking.

One day my dealer was out of pills so I began calling some of my drug buddies to try to get my fix. I hadn't done any oxys since the night before. So, I was beginning to withdrawal and was in panic mode. One of the guys I called, told me he didn't have any oxys. But, he had some heroin. 

"No, I'm good. I don't fuck with dope," I said. 

He laughed and said, "it's the same thing. Only heroin is better and cheaper." 

I told him no again and hung up. After a few more calls and no luck, the thought of getting some of that heroin kept picking at my brain. 

"Just this one time so I can get well," I told myself. 

Because that's what addicts do, we justify and rationalize anything and everything we do, to make it seem like we are doing the right things for the right reasons. And that's exactly what I did. I called my buddy back and asked him how much it would cost me for the heroin. Now, remember, I was used to spending between $100 and $150 each time I copped my pills. 

When he told me $30 a vial, I asked him, "how much is in a vial?" 

He said, "well if you have never done it, then all you should need is about a half a vial to get you well. And definitely don't do more than a whole vial or you might overdose!" 

I thought he was blowing smoke up my ass. People say whatever they need to say to help get rid of there drugs. 

"OK, I'll take three. Where you want to meet?" I asked him. 

So we set up a spot to make the transaction. We then met up, at said spot, and exchanged my cash for his product.

As I was pulling away in my car, I'm looking at these three little glass vials with little plastic, plug-like caps on them. And the little brown, gravel looking, rocks that were inside of them. I realized they were the same glass vials you get little perfume samples in. I wondered, "where would a person buy enough of these, to use them, to put drugs in?" But, that thought only lasted for a minute or so. My thoughts quickly went back to, "where am I  going to go do this stuff?" I wanted to make myself feel better as fast as possible. That's really all I expected, was to feel better or normal, so to speak. Considering I had not actually got high from doing the oxys, in months, getting high had become but an afterthought. I think I drove to one of the spots that my buddies and I hung out at when we were drinking beer. I was pretty sure no one would be there considering what time it was. I took out one of the vials and folded a dollar bill in half. I poured the contents of the vial into the bill, folded the edges over, to keep any from pouring out the ends. I put the folded bill on my dashboard and rubbed my cigarette lighter over it. That crushed it into a fine powder. I took a CD case from my glove box and put it on my lap. I poured the powder on the case and took my drivers license and scraped it into a line. I rolled the bill into a straw and thought, "here we go. I hope this gets me well or I'm going to be pissed!" I snorted the line up my nostril and leaned my head back, sniffing a few more times to get anything that I might have missed the first snort. Within a matter of minutes, I began to feel it. As that wonderful rush took over my body and that awful flu-like feeling from the early stages of withdrawal began to vanish I felt like I had never felt before. I used to compare the feeling to being like a hug from Santa Claus when you were still young enough to believe in Santa Claus. I couldn't believe it. I had only done about half of one of those vials. Yeah, half of one of those $30 vials. It basically only cost me $15 to, not only feel better but, I actually had a nice buzz. Believe it or not, I was actually high for the first time in months. NOT GOOD!! I had just met my new best friend and worst enemy all at the same time.

I had the other two and a half vials for about two more days. Something I had no longer thought was possible since I was spending hundreds a day on the oxys. I no longer called my normal pill dealer. I now had a number that would feed my habit for a fraction of the cost. And not long after would have many other numbers to go with it.

If your following my stories and are enjoying what you're reading, feel free to donate to help fund future stories. And thanks to everyone that is following along. Chapter six will be coming out soon. 

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Life of an Addict (Pt. 5)
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