Life with Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder

I am a diagnosed Agoraphobic.

Yep, I'm going to share my experience, or some of it I guess. But while secure behind my keyboard tucked away in my "safe zone". I'm sure some will picture me as a perpetual emotional wreck unable to even walk out my front door. Some may simply think me lazy, insane, over-dramatic... whatever. I'll be honest: Some of that is fair, but some of it just hurts.

Allow me to give some information about myself.

I'm 37 years old, a mom to three great kids. I have chronic illness and I spend a lot of time in pain (trigeminal neuralgia, Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction, arthritis and fibromyalgia). Physical illnesses are another story for another time.

Moving on. In addition to Agoraphobia, I have been diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and primary insomnia. I did not realize I could be diagnosed with both Anxiety and panic disorder. But alas, here we are.

My day to day is complicated, scary, sometimes it's a huge struggle. I can attend my doctor's appointments, psychiatrist appointments, and make it to an occasional school meeting to address my special needs son and his appointments and needs are met, as are my seventeen year old daughter's needs. (I have three—one is 20 and moved out).

I can go outside to sit with my son, check his pear tree and I always talk to him and spend time helping with homework.

But I don't live life. That's just the truth.

I don't do many of the things I once enjoyed. It's all to do with physical and mental health struggles.

I cannot be in stores, I cannot function around even small groups of strangers, and I cannot stop panic attacks that hit me daily. I cannot go to movies, malls, restaurants and so on. On occasion I'll attempt to force it. Take my son to a bookstore, I may get through thirty minutes before I begin to feel the familiar throat tightening and chest pounding. Its a panic attack...

My son understands, mommy is having a panic attack, and it's time to go... My son understanding makes it worse.

I feel like a failure, I know my mental health is not my fault, but I still feel I let others down. It's difficult. I don't think it's possible to explain how bad a panic attack is. Unless you have had a panic attack, you'll likely find the description over dramatic.

Panic attacks are unforgiving. They do not play by any rules really. Which often leads to anticipatory anxiety. This is how my Agoraphobia began and why it's still a huge issue.

Most individuals have experienced an anxiety attack at some point. However anxiety attacks are slightly different than panic attacks. I had anxiety attacks over traffic jams, money issues, marital strife etc... And they're not pleasant at all.

Anxiety attacks are usually brought about because of a particular stressor and are short-lived (as in, once stressor is gone/removed the attack begins to subside). And that's where the difference between anxiety attack and panic attack begins.

Panic attacks have little to do with stressors and that means they don't usually subside easily, you cannot remove a stressor that you cannot identify.

They are unpredictable and often unprovoked. There is genuine terror, fear, physical symptoms beyond the racing heart and sweaty palms, you may feel you are having a heart attack, and you may feel you are literally dying.

I feel that terror, fear, nausea, dizziness and shortness of breath... Every time one hits, no matter how many times a week I experience an attack, I never manage to remind myself in that moment that I am not dying.

It's impossible, at least for me, to even think in the midst of an attack. I sob uncontrollably, my throat feels like it's closing, my chest is heavy and pounding, I sweat, I'm on shaky unstable ground I can feel it under my feet slipping away from me, I fight for air and yes it enters my mind that "I'm dying" right there on the spot. I have had attacks that last for thirty minutes and some that last hours. I never know when one will hit, how long it will last or how I'll manage to survive it.

See... "Over-dramatic," right? I feel that. No really... every time the panic ends, I feel humiliation. I feel stupid, weak, dramatic etc. I curse myself for not getting my coping skills just right, I mean what the hell right... I learned the fucking breathing! I learned the counting! Why didn't I just do it!?

These are my questions after my panic attack ends... Every. Single. Time.

So believe me I feel that shame. I try not to beat myself up, I know I'm struggling and cannot control it. I know this, I tell others with panic disorder to be kind to themselves...

Still I'm human, I get embarrassed and kick myself for not being in control of myself. That embarrassment, that terror, that feeling I'll die... That's what triggered my Agoraphobia. It started with malls, a panic attack or two later I could not go there again! Then grocery store, movie theater, work place, traffic, gas station so on and so forth. Every time I have a panic attack in a store or situation... that place becomes "unsafe." It's hurting me, it's trying to kill me, I need to avoid it so I don't have another attack... See how it works? It's cruel actually. I get no warning, no chance to hit it before it hits me.

I know this is irrational to most. But my brain works against me, as does my body. I know I still have attacks at home. Part of me thinks about the ratio of attacks... Less at home than when I'm at grocery store... therefore... Home is safer. But is it really? No... Not really. But that's Agoraphobia, that's panic disorder, and that's what I deal with.

I live each day aware the next attack will hit whenever it chooses. I won't know when, I can't plan around it, I can't simply breathe through it... But that's why I'm in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. I'm trying each day to heal, to gain some form of control, to fight for my self.

This is my day to day with panic disorder and Agoraphobia. A very condensed version. Thanks for reading.

(Please note: Anxiety attacks are awful I'm in no way down playing anxiety attacks. Mental health struggles are mental health struggles. Period. Just in case: I'm not a doctor. Please understand I'm not giving medical/psychological advice, I'm simply sharing my story and that includes information regarding my diagnosis as I understand it.)