My Anxiety Story

To begin with, I never knew what the big deal was. I've always been a very put together individual and since I was a child I've had things that haunt me and somehow I always managed to keep up a front and get through life. As a person I am completely an extrovert, I could get along with almost anyone. You could say that I can be very sociable but deep down I've never felt like I belong anywhere, I've always just felt alone no matter how many people stand around me or how many friends everyone thinks I have. I'm not really sure where it came from or specifically what point anxiety started to become a standing issue in my life but I know that this year and last year was extremely tough for me. I realised how much of an effect anxiety really has on a person because it took me. It ripped me away from myself. They are moments in time when things get way too much and it makes me feel like I'm drowning. Oh no... I don't mean that lightly. I literally could feel water filling my lungs and then I wouldn't be able to breathe. My mind would stray to all the things that are happening and this sadness takes over. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, it doesn't go away. I have to focus, my mind, my breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Till I'm out of that place. I have to really try and stop myself from thinking the worst, from retracing the worst. It sounds easy but my goodness, in that moment it's like the world depends on it and you just can't do it. I have to distract myself because if I don't—then I'll be slap bang in the middle of Stratford Westfield or traveling on the underground somewhere with tears rolling down my face and I won't be able to stop it. And then it feels like everyone is staring and oh my god, it sucks.

Initially, I was so bewildered, I remember this one time... maybe early 2016... that may have been the first time. I was in a store and everything was going wrong, it was hot and crowded and suddenly I felt the room spinning and I couldn't breathe and I started crying but I wasn't crying because I was sad or anything... I just couldn't stop. It was so bizarre and the more that I couldn't control it; the more I hated my body, it was like I was failing myself.

After you're out of that, you kind of just carry on and forget... I pretty much just forgot how bad it was or that I needed to train myself so that if it did happen again, I would know how to help myself. But I pushed it out of my mind and then when it came back around I was still so confused. I consider myself a strong individual, so crying on my own in my room with no one around on my terms is what I normally did and I preferred it that way. Yeah, that I can handle. But when it's not in my control, that's what bothers so much.

In recent months, several things in my life went majorly downhill and surprisingly, I handled it. It was hard but it was controllable. I kept a lot of it to myself instead of reaching out for help and I had it together and in the end, things worked out. Things started turning out okay and it was all good. But last week, I broke my glasses by accident. Completely smashed into pieces and it broke me too? I was crying but my mind was thinking... everything is okay now, glasses can be replaced... what is wrong with me? I just didn't understand what was going on. Everything I did to try and get a hold of myself did not work. I tried distracted myself but hours later, I would feel so fragile and my mind retraced that negative space again and my emotions would take over. I ended up just sleeping it off and that seemed to help.

I have come to realise that personally, my anxiety is very situational. (It may not be like this for everyone), I tend to have highs and lows; where my highs are just snippets of temporary happiness and my lows are very low lows with a million things hitting me from a million directions. I think I have it in my head that my life is going to treat me badly, so emotionally I've somehow triggered myself into expecting bad things to happen and now, those thoughts consume me when little things happen. So I'll lose my keys of which I desperately need in that moment and the more I look for them, the disappointment in my heart builds and then that's it. It's the end of the world. It genuinely feels that way. I end up hating myself again. I know it sounds crazy... even to me, it's ludicrous! But it's the fear... the fear that everything is about to blow up and I'm going to be in that place again with nothing, all alone and the sadness will never subside.

I've come to the conclusion that after all the things that I've had to fight for in my life, all the terrors that I've had to witness and all the people that have meant the world to me and yet they've either chosen to leave or have hurt me... I think those are now the reasons why I flinch at every on coming car while sitting the passenger seat, feel sad when a man compliments me and I now fail to believe in every forever that somebody promises me. It's only all-consuming when it's situational but with these little little things, the anxiety just puts me on edge slightly. It's crazy to me because I never used to be like this but I don't think this makes me any less stronger or any less put together. It just means that I've been through life and it's taken its toll a tad. See... externally, no one would ever know how anxious I get but I never want it to be my defining quality. I won't let it own me. I have to tell myself, I'll get through this and I think I've learned how to deal with it. Sometimes, I don't even recognise the former version of myself. I really miss her. Just how vibrant, bubbly and naive I was. I want to be her again but I know I have to grow and move on. This is a new phase in my life and it'll take me somewhere. I want to know where. I don't know if it will ever go away completely—I bloody well hope it does lol. But regardless, I'll still get my happily ever after. This is just my journey and my sadness gets me excited for when happy comes. I'm excited about my future because I know even if there are some lows, there will also be highs and I absolutely cannot wait!

With love,

<3