My Journey

Ok, so we are going to talk about mental health. The word itself automatically makes me feel sectioned to the other side of the room. How about, How are you ? How are you feeling? These days everything seems to have a name, and a medicine to go with it. Great that may seem, but in life there really is no easy fix if you want lasting wellness. Action must be taken. I don't know what it may be with me, be it pride or ego. I just found it so hard to accept I was struggling. I have now learned to accept its okay to not be OK. I get it; every case is different, and as individuals we are all wired differently—this is our uniqueness. But hey, this is me, and this is my journey, and this is the way I want to deal with how I am feeling.

Being a keen runner, and a generally active being, I incurred an injury. At first I thought it no big deal. Little did I know this pesky injury would take me on a rollercoaster of a journey. After two rest days I still was not better. Turning on that treadmill, and turning it off before I could even get a stride, the determined mind of mine just wanted to power on, but the sad fact was that I couldn't. I found this frustrating beyond belief, in fact I could not accept it. Hey, I am no olympic marathon ultra runner, but my body and my mind thrives on the flow.

On leaving the physio, I broke down. I could not believe I had eight weeks of non impact activity. To some this may have been a blessing, but to me I honestly felt like my life was falling apart. Looking back it's crazy to think that in that physio room I was thinking, I will show this physio—I will be up and running this week... Oh my good gosh, I could not even lift up my leg, stand on one leg, or walk. My balance... let's just say was unbalanced, my mind was traumatised. weeks and then months passed, my body gaining weight, my mind tiring, and I was not me. My groin was pulling with every step. I literally felt like I was falling apart. On a chance visit to an osteopath, it was proven that I was completely out of alignment, and my pelvis was rotated. Leaving that Osteopath I felt a ray of light. For the first time in weeks I felt improvement. I started to work with my body, my core feeling every muscle and putting together the puzzle of healing, which I so craved. Slowly my balance was coming back, my movement was less painful. Gently moving forward, I felt I was nearing the finishing line. Experimenting with yoga breathing work, non impact exercise, which I previously ignored, I was definitely on the mend. Reminiscing on what I had been through, I felt general remorse on what I had put my body through; how I pressure myself so much, and completely push myself to the extreme. I joined the realisation that I turned fitness into a job, and a painkiller for my inner body suffering; my struggle to love my body, and have confidence—hat I was not facing up to in life, and running away from.

I learned to love my body, I had never thought of this before to just take a moment and be grateful for being able to breathe, to run and move freely. I wasn't exercising mindfully before.

After performing the right stretches to warm up, I set myself up for a run. Swallowing my pride and slowly gaining strength. One of the hardest things to do was not to feel disappointed with my performance, and tell myself, "Hey, you are in recovery." Then one day just when I thought all was well, and I could go that extra mile... Guess I didn't stretch that back muscle... Three more weeks of agonizing pain, and time off fitness—honestly this consumed all the strength and determination left in me. My Body felt out of control, and I just couldn't take my reflection. When the painkillers kicked in, I realised I still had a lot to learn.

Recently I wanted closure. I had been through quite a tough time prior to my decision to talk to someone outside of my circle. I have to say that it was the best decision I could have made. I highly advise talking to a doctor for any one that is struggling. The weight from my shoulders, and the cloud in my head cleared; I felt less dull. The physical strain of what I was going through had impacted my muscles, weakening my mind until I felt lifeless, and completely lost. After my tearful discussion, even though I wanted a fast fix, I decided it was time to face my issues, and my demons head on, instead of running away from them. As I said before this was my decision. I felt these low feelings were my body's way of telling me, girl, you gotta get all this crap out of your system.

We are a generation that always needs a quick fix. Everything moves so fast today, be it emails, phone calls, direct messages, social platforms. Many of us can feel overwhelmed at some stage. Don’t get caught up in that swell. The pressure will build up—if not now, then some time soon. So it is important to still remain conscious, even in these fast moving periods. Listen to yourself, look out for signs. Take deep breaths. Grow with your body. We are all in this together. Just remembering these little thing are so important.

If you had a bad day, use today to have a better day tomorrow, keep on going, keep on moving, always remember every day is growth day. Mind over matter.

Sometimes you can have no plans. This is a perfect time to talk to you. Take yourself on a trip somewhere. Try something you have never done before. With my inner healing journey, I decided to learn new things, try different challenges that would heal and strengthen my mind and body. The therapeutic reward of swimming in an outdoor pool. Do you, and everything falls in to place.

Struggling through five months of injury forced me to slow down, take a moment, and figure my self out. And just when I thought I got there, Another injury forced me again to knock on that door, and figure out more. The mental impact, coping with physical changes, and generally not feeling myself. I’m still learning every day, growing, slowly but surely I’m coming together. I have honestly felt like I have been constantly patching myself up, and getting on with it again and again... I guess that is life right. We have to take a moment to appreciate, and to value where we are at, and how we are feeling. Most importantly, love ourselves. The beauty of slowing down is that we really have to work with our body, and our mind, from breathing to movement. When we ignore something that isn’t quite right, we are forced to deal with it in some way.

With me it was my love of fitness. I would run and get the high, and not work on the foundation of my core, my inner me. So even though the injuries caused me trauma, I will look at them as a blessing. They made me stop and look into the inner me, whom I had mistreated for far too long. Feeling everyday I am getting stronger. I am focusing on areas in life that I need to work on, and most importantly, I’m smiling again. I am up and running, and loving my body. I am listening and running with pleasure, not force. Understanding that exercise is what i need to do for my mind to maintain focus, not just to be the perfect size eight. No matter if that rock decides to hit me again—I’m better armed now, and gradually cementing my wall of awesomeness.

So with fitness and learning to love my body, I am handling my mind better. Do not underestimate the power of Breathing. Nourish your body with every Breath. When everything works together, you open yourself up to opportunities. But the bottom line is love. Have confidence in you.

Working as a model in the fashion industry it is so easy to get lost comparing and forgetting the beauty of you. It’s an industry you cannot control. I guess fitness was the control I craved. My escape from an industry where there is so much left to the unknown. Before you know it, you forget who you are. Now stronger, I can challenge myself again, but with wiser eyes. Be you, no matter what line of work you are in. Like I said, this is my journey. You do You.

Don't be that builder that doesn’t show up. Keep building your foundations, and the rest will follow !

See you on the trail.

AC xx