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I've thought about suicide more times than I can count and I've attempted it several times. Obviously I've never been successful with it but doesn't change the feeling I have of not wanting to be here anymore. I don't believe in an afterlife or religion, for that matter. I was raised by the Bible and went to church every Sunday. But traumatic events have opened my eyes that there's no such thing as God or an afterlife.
Once my mom passed away that was the final straw on religion and God for me. I never asked for anything in my life except for my mom to stay alive because I knew I wouldn't be able to survive this world without her, and I was right. I don't know how to live without her. I'm a struggling mess without her. I don't even know how to be a disaster without her. I can't even do bad right.
The last three years have just been a black and gray blur but today was one of the worst days, so awful where you question your entire existence. I'm not afraid to die, I'm just afraid of the initial pain and knowing I'll be missing out on a lot of wonderful life events. I know every year has good moments but with the amount of bad it comes with, I don't want any of it anymore.
When you have absolutely no one on your side, no one to turn to when things get tough, life just no longer looks fun. I feel totally defeated right now, like every person who is trying to tear me down has finally won. They've all broken me and they're sitting around laughing about it, as if I'm not a human and I don't deserve to live in peace. It feels as if the whole world is against me and I should just give up already.
So broken and torn I just wish it would all go away and I can hide from this world. My mom was always on my side even if I was in the wrong. The only person I could ever turn to when life got rough, like today. They say to call for help when you feel this way but what do you say to some stranger, "Hey, I wanna die?" You just look like a total psycho and they wanna lock you away and turn you into a zombie with pills. What kind of a life is that? I'd rather off myself and go figure out if there is an after life of some sort and maybe see the only person who has ever loved me, my mom.
I know suicide is never the answer, but what am I supposed to do? It's like being a teenage girl starting her period for the first time in high school while wearing white pants. That shit doesn't just blow over—no, you have to move two states over and start at a new school just to avoid the embarrassment.
I don't know what to do or what more to say, just that I hope no one ever feels the way I feel right now. I hope no one ever makes someone else feel the way I feel either. Words hurt people. They even hurt adults so watch what you say and do to others because you might just make them turn to suicide. Always check in with your friends and loved ones because you honestly never truly know what someone is going through. Especially if they've been super distant from others lately, it's probably a good idea to check in on them and get them out of the house. Respect and love one another—life is too short to be mean to people. Do things that make you happy without harming others. And always, always be there for your friends and family.
Even if someone has a smile on their face every day, make sure to ask them how they're doing. Sometimes the saddest people look the happiest. It's always nice to hear someone ask how you're doing and if everything is okay. I don't care if you're a stranger. If you need someone to talk to and I'm the only one you can think of, you are more than welcome to message me and I will gladly listen. I might not have the best advice but I sure as hell can make you smile. And I would hope that you can return the favor and be there for someone else.
I'm not going to commit suicide but at this very moment that is the only thing on my mind. But I know with time it'll pass and I'll be back to my normal self. So if you're reading this and you feel the same way, just know it's only a temporary feeling and we will all be okay in time, I promise that. And I am always a text or message away from anyone who needs just someone to listen or just someone to sit in silence with.