Unsocially Social

Social anxiety has never been something I really thought was always apart of me. Which is kind of shocking to think so. You see all my life I was the introverted one -the "shy" one. Most often then not I was the quiet one that loved to help when she could. To those that were close knew me as the one that you had to convince a little to leave her room because she rather be alone then in a crowd of people. You had to inform her before hand that there would be people she did not know so she could prepare herself. Or of places there would be crowds in general. Hated talking on the phone because hearing the voice but not being able to read the body language makes her uncomfortable. What if the person on the other end was hiding their feelings?! She just preferred face to face contact if anything. She also has a bad habit of washing her hands after shaking hands with people. She would go through half a bottle of hand sanitizer in a day if you let her. She was crazy in the context that she was willing to always try new things. She found hugging was easier as it allowed others into her space forcibly so she was able to find them okay to be around. She was a social mess but could hide it well for others not to worry if she felt she had too. She never wanted to e the partypooper so she never really wanted to go to the party.

Ever since I was young I was the one that needed someone close to me to deal with crowds or just focused on one person that looked "safe" when alone. I couldn't order on my own because for some reason words just refused to come out right when there was a line because I could not for the life of me mess up the order and make others wait longer so then they start to hate me or make the person taking the order uncomfortable by being slow. So I just chose the first number that came to my head and stuck with it for as long as possible because it was more easy to do. No thinking was required then, I could just say the number, get my order and leave....I was the one that would only be the center of a party if the party was less than 6 people. Anymore than that and you could find me on the sidelines with whatever unlucky friend forced to make sure I stayed okay.

It's funny I was (and honestly still am to some degree) all these things but I never knew it was a problem then.

My mom, whom is a tad introverted, would always try to get me to be in crowds to make friends. I always refused. Or if I gave consent we would always have to leave rather soon because I got sick out of nowhere from getting so seemingly randomly uncomfortable. So I relied heavily on my little group of friends to introduce me to others. Then I waited for the others not to find me to bothersome before I could get comfortable with them. Which never really happened because I always saw them as my friend's friends, not my own. They were just being nice because they had too be nice in order to stay friends. If that make any sense. However, there were rare times when my friend's friends did become my friends because they would help me when there was a crowd or whenever a social situation made me uncomfortable.

Wasn't until junior high social anxiety revealed itself by name and made sure I would never forget:

It was during lunchtime. My favorite human being in the world was struck down by the god of luck and had the flu. Meaning she couldn’t come to school. For me this meant I had to eat lunch with her friends. (To clarify I did have acquaintances but was comfortable with very few people and her presence made it more tolerable to be around those people. So eating lunch with them was out of the question as she was not there.) While her friends left me alone and didn’t meddle much for me to talk so they would have to do. Okay! Whom I was eating lunch with was planned, but how am I going to get food? You see when she was at school she would go with me to the lunch line and help me.

She was gone.

Her minus lunchtime equals, “how the hell will I get food?” Only the answer to that problem is really simple. I just go with her friends. Or by myself. Two solutions to one problem...GREAT!!! Easy to do for most.

News flash: it was not great. It was hell. I picked the second solution- to go by myself. Twelve year old me? decide I could do things on my own. How hard was it to get lunch, a thing I did every school day?...haha...spoiler!...very effing hard apparently! There was no problem at first. I got in line, waited, little step after little step. Everything was chill. I could almost see the food inside the small little building and the doors that lead to the cafeteria. Little step after little step. Suddenly the cold November air was burning me through all three layers of my clothing. Maybe it was the body heat of those around me mixing with mine. People were rushing to get to the food before certain items ran out which lead to squashing here and there, cutting the line, etc. Little step by little step. I can feel the person behind me breathing. I can feel like I am being confined. I can need to breathe. I can do this. I am fine. Little step by little step. Inside the cafeteria. Little step by little step. Stop holding your breath. Little step by little step. Almost done.

Little step by little step. Take bigger steps!

After a while I realized I couldn’t do this on my own. I wanted out! No I needed out! I thought to myself repeatedly “if I stay in this line any longer I WILL die, no doubt.” Too bad I wanted to prove myself wrong. So there I am highly uncomfortable, grabbing my sandwich and cookie as if they were my lifeline. I was gripping so hard my knuckles were white and my nails cut into my palm….Everything was “fine” though. Then it was my turn to pay. The lady dressed in blue with a cute bee pin and soft brown eyes said something about the total but then quickly changed it to “are you okay?!” Which I was. I was “fine,” clearly able to pay as I had the money already out waiting for her to grab. Only, obviously I wasn’t fine, I quickly realized I had been crying the entire time while standing in line. No wonder other kids kept glancing and whispering about me. I would too if some kid was crying in the line at such a young age. We just didn't know better. The lady dressed in blue called for security and they asked me who hurt me but no one did and I couldn’t explain it. The person who hurt me was me. How does one explain that without sounding crazy? I just knew the attention was not helping me and them being so close was making it severely worse. I don't know you please do not crowd me. I need space. Now the entire room was spinning. Breathing was no longer an automatic or memorable response. In fact breathing was something I was no longer sure I could ever do right again. Eventually I was taken to the the nurse and given my inhaler. It will help the breathing. Around the time I calmed down the school psychologist came in to talk to me. Apparently I had what was called a “anxiety attack" or “panic attack.” The first of many. I was directed to call my mom and get some rest. When mom wanted to know what was wrong I just told her I gotten sick at lunch as that was as I had understood the situation to be. She just took me home without a word, gave me a book, and for the rest of the day I had no responsibilities. A little later after talking to a psychologist/therapist again I was told I had social anxiety that could be calmed if I find my triggers and avoid them.

Fast forward to know and I am still the introverted shy girl that likes to help people but needs a warning before I enter a crowded place so I can prepare. I still use hand sanitizer way too much. (It is an inside joke in my friend group to buy me some as gifts.) I can almost completely order for myself when my friends are not present it just takes some patience and a few repeats of the order. I can talk on the phone a little easier though I still avoid a majority of calls just so I can text. I can go to parties that involve more than 6 people as long as I have at least two friends there. Though I still rather be in my room alone then a room full of people...I'm working on it as best as I can.

I'm trying my best to handle my social anxiety. I make sure to tell others that I have it so they are mindful and I still try not to be a burden to others, and take breathers when I can. I also try to do things socially on my own just to see how far I can go....Social anxiety has always been my normal. I am aware of the challenges it brings and and slowly becoming strong enough to handle it all. My social anxiety is no longer something I refuse to admit and facing it has helped a ton. My social anxiety is my own so I try to stay on top of it.

If you have social anxiety as well I hope you too can find a way to stay on top of it.