Windows and Doors

It was indeed an interesting weekend. How Saturday morning started, it looked like it was going to be long and miserable. I had an incident with a fellow co-worker the day before, which got my anxiety going to the point where I attempted to call in sick on Saturday morning. I thought to myself since I haven't called in sick, I should be safe taking a day off. My anxiety was gnawing at me so terribly, I knew there was going to be another altercation between me and this co-worker because the management overheard how he spoke to me and was going to counsel him. Automatically, I thought he was going to treat me like I was the one that ran to management and complained. I knew I couldn't go to work. I called about three hours before my shift. What happened next shocked me. She wanted a doctor release for my return. I was stuck. I know most people wouldn't have let that bother them and not even attempt to skip work, but those with anxiety have a harder time making a decision.

Now the backstory is I accepted another job and was going to only work two days a week for this company after the current schedule. Those are the exact thoughts that went through my mind. I convinced myself I didn't need to work two jobs and the other one was going to start really soon, so I decided to take a trip for a couple of days to get away. I know some are saying it wasn't right for me to up and quit without notice. However, I justified it to myself, I was doing the right thing, and those suffering from anxiety will most likely support me. The door closing. Remember that old saying about 20 doors closing before a window opens? At least it's my take on it. Sometimes with anxiety, it seems like people hit many roadblocks before finding the detour. I was convinced though I needed to travel back to my hometown and regroup. It felt like I was being pulled.

I'm not going to talk about the boring details of my trip, but something amazing happened and it motivated me to share this with my readers. I visited an old high school friend and his wife. It started out to be a trip down memory lane. Both of us telling witty stories of our past and amusing his wife, hearing about the crazy things her husband did when he was young. Then it came to the part of the visit to start talking about what we are currently doing in our lives. Of course, this blog I recently started became the main topic of discussion for the next couple of hours. Remember the quote I made on my first post? "Those that have anxiety cannot explain it, and those that don’t, cannot understand it." This actually became a learning experience for everyone in the room.

Come to find out, his wife and I both suffer from anxiety and depression. The more each one of us spoke, the more his face was locked into amazement mixed with a little empathy. The amazement was hearing another person sharing his wife's symptoms. The empathy coming from the years of not quite understanding and now getting a different perspective from listening to his longtime friend's experience with anxiety. Someone was actually getting it! This was not the greatest reward for the visit though. I gained more this day than anyone else.

I got that feeling of knowing there was someone else, in this world, that has similar challenges. I was experiencing a mirrored image of my anxiety. I have often tried to explain that my anxiety feels like a completely different entity. A creature of some sorts that sneaks in and tries to manipulate the mind into thoughts and feelings that shouldn't be present at all. Often times, it nudges you in directions you know you shouldn't go, however, you do. I was getting a feeling there is an audience out there I can reach.

A motivational weekend! I felt we helped one another by experiencing each other's anxiety. I now know the importance of a blog focusing on the daily struggles of anxiety. By writing about what I experience, it will hopefully justify someone else's feelings and encourage them to push through their struggles. Best of all, I didn't let my anxiety beat me. I went with my gut feeling and continued through the weekend, without caring about what the future holds. Finally, made it through another blog post. Nearly a week of being absent, I found the encouragement and the motivation just by closing some windows and watching doors open.