Am I Addicted to Depression?
I realised very recently that I seem to have a subconscious desire for sadness and self-destruction.
I am finally at a point in my life where my mental health has little reason to flare up. I know that’s not exactly an appropriate thing to say since depression isn’t always triggered by something; often you can just get sad for no reason. But what I mean is, I recently moved to the other end of the country, to an amazingly unique city that has no personal triggers for me. I moved away from everyone I know and moved in with my partner, who just happens to be very good for my mental health. She is incredibly understanding and supportive. I also got really lucky with a great job that I actually enjoy quite a lot that just happens to pay really well and has allowed me to progress to management in a matter of months. Everything is so different and so much better than it ever has been for me but it’s as if my subconscious isn’t responding well to my newly calm and comfortable life. The thing is, I have never had a comfortable life; there has always been something for me to deal with. As a child in a broken home, a suicidal teen, and a troubled and disappointing young adult, and dealing with forms of abuse during all of those periods, perhaps I can’t handle a comfortable life because I never learned how to; perhaps I won’t let myself be happy because that is not what I’m supposed to be, according to my past. To escape the depression is all I’ve ever wanted to do, or at least I thought it was, but I just can’t seem to allow it to happen.