Mental Health, Alcohol, and Finding Yourself
"Who are you?"
"What are your interests?"
"What are you good at?"
"Where do you see yourself in the future?"
All of these questions. At age 23, still unanswered. How do you respond when you haven't known yourself in years, and are unsure if you ever did? My denial started 15 years ago. My diagnoses six years ago. I was always the quiet one. The girl who did not have many friends, and avoided relationships when I could. The girl who could not figure out why she lacked interest in activities. The girl who spent her days sleeping, and in online chat rooms, pretending to be someone else, avoiding actual human contact. At eight years old, all I wondered, is why I was so different than my peers. I spent many years wondering but eventually grew to think that, how I was feeling, was just who I was. I sat envious of the girls who seemed to have it together. The ones who were so popular and made friends easily. When people would try to talk with me, I gave short responses, if any at all. I spent all hour of the day and night locked away in my room, talking to strangers. "I am fine. I just did not sleep well," I would respond when people asked me what was wrong. I would burst into tears in the school counselors office, not knowing why I was crying. I could not control myself. Towards the end of high school, I was asked what I wanted to do in the future. But how could I respond to that question, when I did not see myself being alive after the age of 18. Two failed attempts at my life, and I was determined to get it right eventually.